Preparing for Separation
Separation from a loved one due to deployment can be tough. If this is your first separation, know that it will be the hardest. After the second or third deployment, you will learn what to expect, what arrangements to make and you will learn some strategies for managing this experience. This package is designed to help those experiencing their first deployment to learn what to expect and provide tips for coping with this experience.
Handling Stress While You are on Your Own
The following can help keep stress away or at least at manageable levels while your loved one is away from home:
Take care of yourself
Schedule “you time”, exercise, take a mental health day every few months. Do not overburden yourself with too much because even though keeping busy can make the time go by faster, doing too much will only increase your stress.
Identifying sources of support
In times of stress, it is important that we have lots of support. Identify people (friends and family) and community groups (church, book club, etc.) who you feel are a good source of comfort and support.
Being kind to yourself
In general people tend to be hard on themselves when they are struggling. We tend to tell ourselves to “Buck up” or “Just put on a happy face” when, if it was a close friend who was struggling, we would be much kinder and more compassionate to them. So be kind to yourself and make time to do things just for you. It is not selfish to take care of yourself.
Finding constructive outlets
When we feel down we tend to engage in behaviours that are not always helpful (ex: eating too much junk food, drinking too much, etc..). If you find you have too much time on your hands, maybe now is the time to consider volunteering or starting that project you have been meaning to do.
Familiarize yourself with available resources
The MFRC has some resources designed to assist you with the challenges of family separation and reunion and can connect you with other community organizations.
Be flexible; accept that you can't control everything and ask for help when you need it.
Emotional Cycle of Deployment
Understanding the emotional cycle of deployment will help to prepare you for what you are likely to expect throughout your loved one’s deployment. This cycle was developed from a combination of research and experience, and many people who have been through a loved one’s deployment have identified with these stages.
As you read over this information, remember that each person will experience the deployment a little differently and the intensity of each person’s reaction will also be unique. It is important for each individual to take responsibility for his or her own feelings and emotions as they work through each of these phases together with their loved ones.
Stage 1: Anticipation of Loss
Occurs 1-6 weeks before the CF member’s departure. It has been reported that during this stage people experience fluctuations in energy levels and mood. Feelings of sadness, anger, excitement, restlessness, anxiety, frustration, resentment and depression are common. You may find that you cry unexpectedly at the littlest things. Partners usually report an increase in tension and frustration with each other and they may tend to have more arguments or bicker more often. Life might feel hectic because the deploying CF member is trying to cram in a number of projects, repairs or visits before he/she leaves.
During this first stage, allow yourself and other family members to openly express their thoughts and feelings. Take time to prepare for the separation, which may include taking care of home repairs and discussing shifts in responsibility or new roles that may need to be assumed. Participate in pre-deployment briefings and activities and make sure you receive a deployment package from the MFRC. Set realistic goals for yourself for the deployment period. Seek out resources and services that can be of assistance to you during this time. Remember – it is better to be over-prepared and know where to find support when you need it, rather than to be under-prepared and struggle when a problem arises!
Stage 2: Detachment and Withdrawal
Usually occurs sometime during the last week before the CF member’s departure. During this stage, people report feelings of despair, hopelessness and numbness.
Partners want to enjoy their last few days together but they may be tired and on edge from trying to complete everything that needs to be done before the departure date. Couples may also feel ambivalent about sexual relations. Mentally people want to be intimate, but emotionally it is hard to get that close when you know that you will have to separate soon. Unfortunately this may be seen as rejection and not a reaction to difficult circumstances. People also report feeling impatient. Spouses are thinking, “If you have to go, then just go!” while members just “Want to get on with it!”
Parents may feel a sense of panic at not seeing their child for a long period of time or not knowing what his/her circumstances will be.
During this second stage, do not be hard on yourself! Be patient with yourself and other family members and accept your feelings as normal reactions to abnormal circumstances. Instead of completely withdrawing, try to communicate openly and honestly about your thoughts and feelings so that others can be more patient with you.
Understand that increased tension between couples, that may manifest itself as increased bickering or a decreased sexual appetite, has its purpose. It can help people begin to pull away from each other and prepare themselves for living apart. It is not a sign of a deteriorating marriage but rather a way of defending oneself against the grief of loss.
Rumours can heighten these feelings; so rely only on official sources of information.
It is a good idea to plan your preparation activities in such a way to keep the last day free for family time.
Stage 3: Emotional Disorganization (first 6 weeks after departure)
Actual deployment, no matter how prepared we think we are, still comes as a shock. The initial sense of relief is followed by guilt, anger, depression and feelings of being numb. You may miss your loved one and may feel an increased sense of loneliness. People often report disturbances in their sleep and appetite, feelings of increased irritability, and an overall sense of being disorganized, indecisive and confused. It is not uncommon for people to withdraw from friends and loved ones, and spouses may feel overwhelmed by their new responsibilities.
It is important that you move through this emotional stage because getting stuck in this rut may cause other problems throughout the deployment. Avoid the urge to withdraw completely and instead seek out support from people who are in similar circumstances. Continue to meet with friends and stay involved with activities that you normally enjoy doing. Get outside for exercise and make sure that you eat nutritious food and drink lots of water. These activities will all help to elevate your mood. Find a way to stay in contact with your loved one and to maintain a bond with them. You could do this by making up and sending care packages, and by writing regular emails and letters.
Stage 4: Recovery and Stabilization
At some point you may get used to the situation and realize, “Hey, I am doing okay.” You become used to your new roles and responsibilities and the changes that your family has experienced with your loved one away on deployment. Although you continue to worry and miss your loved one, you will find that you are coping better now than before.
Preparing for Single Parenting
Managing on your own while your spouse is away can be even more demanding when children are involved. They will feel the separation as intensely as you do, but depending on their ages, they may respond differently to the experience. Young children do not have a concept of time and may not understand where their other parent is or why they are gone. Although older children may have a clearer understanding of what deployment entails, they also need help adjusting to living in a single parent family for a while.
Children and Separation
Children feel the strain of deployment as much as adults do, they just sometimes express it differently. It is important as a parent to be aware of some common signs of stress in children so that you can better assist your child in coping. The following information is taken from the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, www.aacap.org. Each child may respond differently, but the following are some common reactions:
Infants (birth to 12 months) – may respond to disruptions in their schedule or environment, or changes in availability of a caregiver, with decreased appetite, weight loss, irritability and/or apathy. So they may seem fussier and want to be held more.
Toddlers (1-3 years) – may become tearful and cry for no apparent reason. They whine and cling to you or become more sullen. They throw temper tantrums, develop sleep problems or regress in areas like potty training.
Preschoolers (3-6 years old) – are more aware of the absence of a parent than younger children and their behaviour may regress in areas like toilet training, sleep, separation fears, physical complaints or self soothing behaviours like thumb sucking. They may become more clingy to people or their favorite toy, worry more about the safety of others or develop fears they never had before or new people or situations. They may seem more angry and frustrated. They also may personalize a situation and blame themselves for the separation or any changes in the family.
School aged children (6-12 years old) – are more aware of the realities behind their parent leaving and the potential dangers. They may show irritable behaviour, aggression, whininess or seem more crabby. Their school performance may change and you might notice an increase in complaints of headaches, stomachaches or other illnesses when nothing physically seems to be wrong.
Teenagers (13-18 years) – may become rebellious, irritable or more challenging of authority. Parents need to be alert to high-risk behaviours such as problems with the law and drug/alcohol abuse. They may also lose interests in usual hobbies and activities and seem more self-criticizing or have lower self-esteem.
Children who cope well with separation often have:
- A good relationship with their parents
- A strong sense of self-worth or self-confidence
- An understanding of the parent’s job and importance of deployment
- Effective communication between the deployed parent and the family
- An adult who will listen to them.
Overall it is important to remember that children are all different and adjust to deployment in different ways and at different rates. Be alert of any behaviour changes and remember that the information listed above are normal reactions to abnormal circumstances. Your child may require more attention, reassurance and support during this time to assist them in coping.
Tips for Parents
There are some items that can be done before and during the deployment by either the deploying parent or stay at home parent to try to ease the stress of deployment. These include:
Pre-deployment
Talk as a family before the deployment and share your feelings, worries, plans for the future and information. It is important that you encourage your children to be open and honest in your discussions so that they feel that they can ask questions and share their worries and feelings with you. If any major changes are going to occur during the deployment, like moving to a different home, the child needs to hear about them in advance.
Try to stick with your usual schedules or activities. If there is a special routine or ritual that the child and deployed parent share, talk to the child about how they want to do this ritual after the deploying parent is away. For example, the deploying parent may be the person who reads the bedtime story every night. Before they leave, talk with the child about whether they want the deploying parent to record tapes of them reading the child’s favorite stories or whether the child would be okay with the other parent reading the stories at bedtime. Maintaining routines can be very reassuring to young children and helps to restore their sense of security.
Talk to children about expectations and any increased responsibilities that they might have while the deploying parent is away. Develop a checklist of potential responsibilities or duties that could change once the parent is deployed and reach an agreement about what the child will take on so that they are aware and have been a part of the decision making.
If you give the child or youth any additional responsibilities, make sure that you take the time to train them. Children can become stressed and overwhelmed by new tasks, so make sure you teach them how to do things like the laundry, mowing the lawn, or sign them up for a babysitting course, etc. so that when the time comes they feel capable and confident in their ability to perform their new tasks.
Develop a relationship and initiate communication with your child’s teachers and school. It is not uncommon for a teacher to be the first to notice stress related changes in your child and they need to know what is going on so that they can provide appropriate support.
The parent staying at home needs to assume the role of disciplinarian before the deployment to allow the children to adjust and the deploying parent needs to support his/her spouse in assuming this role.
The deployed parent can work on building a stronger emotional bond with his/her children by spending quality time with each child. Younger children (8 and under) respond better to shorter periods of time (half and hour) and to physical contact, so give lots of hugs!
The deploying parent can encourage children to give them drawings and photos of themselves for the deploying parent to use to decorate their locker/space.
The deploying parent can allow children to assist them to pack.
The deploying parent can trade the child a small token – something that the parent can take with them and trade the child for something comforting like a favorite hat or sweater that the child can hold onto during the separation.
During Deployment
The deployed parent can write each child individual letters. If the child is young, then send pictures you have drawn, postcards or tape recorded personal messages for the child. When you write, make sure to show appreciation for any correspondence they might have sent to you and refer back to things that they have said in their letters to indicate your interest.
The parent at home can give the children a method of measuring the passage of time, like crossing off days on a calendar or by making paper chains or putting jelly beans in a jar. You can also give them a special job, like keeping track of the deployed parent’s favorite sports team.
The parent at home can utilize resources and support in the community and family. Even though the Canadian Forces provide some services, there are a wealth of programs and services in the community that can help to provide you with support and assistance you are seeking.
Consider doing a project that is associated with the deployment, like a scrap book, that you can share with the deployed parent when they return.
Reassure the children of parental love and support. Have realistic expectations about how your children are going to handle this experience.
Balance trips and treats. Do not overwhelm children with too much at once.
Finally, make sure as a parent that you model good coping behaviours by making sure to take care of yourself. The way a child copes with deployment is influenced significantly by the way that the parent copes.
Some organizations outside MFRCs have created resources for parents to use to help their children through this difficult time. For example, Sesame Street has created a video where Elmo has to cope with his father going away. The video is currently posted online to view.
Online Sesame Street Deployment Video
On the left hand side of the screen, below the picture, is a picture of Elmo standing next to two TVs that have the words “watch” and “download” next to them. One video is for parents and the other is for children. Click on “watch” to view the video.
Preparing for Reunion
Your service member has been away for a long time and they are now preparing to return home. The thought of your service member coming home can bring forward a diverse range of emotions, including joy, anticipation, excitement, resentment, anger, angst and fear. Past studies and research has shown that for many military families, this is the most challenging time. A lot of things have happened over the course of the deployment and both the family and the service member have changed and experienced things that will influence how they will react to the service member coming home. Also, just like the service member’s departure, their return disrupts the balance and stability of the family. Stress is a component of change and all change increases the level of stress. Knowing what to expect can make homecoming a happier and less stressful time.
Anticipation of Homecoming (up to six weeks before homecoming)
Common reactions include increased energy and activity, sleep and appetite disturbances, reduced concentration and decision making ability, fantasizing, and conflicted feelings (example: feeling joy and anxiety). Most people feel excited and yet apprehensive about things like how they will react to their loved one and how their loved one will react to them after being away and how life will be now that they are back. It is also common to feel overwhelmed by all the things you need to do in preparation for the homecoming. This may be especially true if that long list of “things to do during the deployment” is still unfinished.
Suggestions for Spouses and Parents of Returning Service Members
Ignore rumours and try to wait patiently for official information.
Participate in reunion briefings at your service member’s local unit.
Be realistic. Having your service member away has been tough and so it is common for the reunion to be seen as the solution to all problems. The reality is that problems that existed prior to the separation will likely not have completely disappeared. It is important that you do not set unrealistic expectations about how perfect things will be once your loved one has returned. Realize the day of homecoming may be very stressful. You and your service member may not have slept much and may be worn out from preparations.
Remember that the children will also be experiencing ambivalent feelings as they anticipate the reunion. Help your children to express their feelings.
Avoid scheduling too many homecoming activities. Your loved one will need time to readjust to being back in Canada, in a new time zone, eating new foods, etc…
Recognize that people change and we tend to notice these changes more after a long absence. Spouses should reassure their service member of their love and commitment. Everyone will be anxious about changes (such as in appearance), so reassurance is required.
Reunion (immediate meeting and the first few days after arrival)
The day has come and you are reunited with your loved one. This is often described as the honeymoon period. Fantasy becomes reality and anxiety is usually replaced by excitement and celebration.
Suggestions for Spouses and Parents of Service Members
Understand that your service member is jet lagged and has been used to working long hours, so they will likely be exhausted when they first return home. Give them time to rest and do not interpret their fatigue as a sign of disinterest.
It might take time for spouses to re-establish sexual intimacy. It is common for there to be some awkwardness or tension at first. Be patient with each other and spend time getting to know each other again.
Watch what you spend and stick to your household budget. It is common for people to go out and splurge. Do not spend money you do not have on celebrating your loved one’s return. Show you care by your time and effort.
You may feel frustrated if you are unable to spend as much time with your loved one as you want. Remember that there are other people who have been separated from your service member. Be understanding of other’s needs and your loved one’s need for rest and space. There will be lots of time to reconnect in the coming weeks.
Do not push your loved one for information about their experience. They may not feel able to talk about their experience at that time.
Renegotiation of the Relationship (up to six weeks after the reunion) Most people find this stage to be the most stressful. You and your loved one have adapted to cope with the separation and have each been effected differently by the demands of the separation. You may have become more independent, taken on new roles and responsibilities, and have established new household rules. Your service member has also been affected by the demands of his/her duties. Once the excitement of the reunion has passed, the focus turns to reestablishing “normality”. It is during this time that problems can crop up as you and your service member adapt to the changes that have occurred during the separation.
It is common for the deployment experience to cause significant changes in young adults, especially if it was their first prolonged absence from family and/or Canada. Parents may notice physical, emotional, spiritual or social changes in their child, such as an increased sense of maturity.
Your loved one may not do things exactly as before. New experiences during deployment may bring changes to attitude and outlook.
Spouses may experience difficulty connecting emotionally, as they suddenly find themselves having to work together again to make decisions and re-establish their individual roles and responsibilities. Your loved one may no longer feel needed in the family or may disagree with some of the decisions you made in their absence.
Suggestions for Spouses and Parents of Service Members:
You and your loved one will need time to readjust. Be patient and tolerant with each other. They may not do things exactly as before. New experiences during deployment may bring changes to attitude and outlook. The returning service member may have some initial discomfort adjusting but this does not mean that they are unhappy with you or the family.
You may find that you have developed different views or ways of dealing with things, so roles and responsibilities may need to be renegotiated. Be open to discussing roles and responsibilities.
Accept your feelings and communicate them.
Continue to spend time with friends and seek out other forms of support.
Recognize and affirm the personal growth that you each have achieved during separation.
It is common for people to grieve the loss of their freedom and independence and to feel emotionally overloaded. Communicate openly, honestly and as gently as possible. Accept your feelings as normal and not as a threat to the relationship.
Do not be surprised if your spouse is a little hurt by how well you were able to run things when they were gone. Let them know that your preference is to share family and household responsibilities with them no matter how well you did on your own.
Stay involved with your children’s school activities and interests. Do not neglect them and their need for attention as you become reacquainted with your spouse.
Do not be surprised if children test the limits of the family rules when your spouse returns. It is normal for children to want to find out how things have changed by acting out. Consistent enforcement of family rules are the key to dealing with acting out.
Reintegration and Stabilization (6-12 weeks after the deployment)
Within four to six weeks, feelings of intimacy, closeness and confidence in the relationship should start to re-emerge. As new routines are established, family members begin to feel more relaxed and comfortable together.
Suggestions for Spouses and Parents of Service Members
Understand that deployed service members have had experiences that can be difficult to share with civilian family members and friends. They may seek out other CF members for support.
Final Reminder
Experience has shown that virtually all service members returning from deployment and their household members experience at least a little uneasiness as they readjust to their normal environment. Changes have taken place during the deployment for everyone involved. To successfully cope with change requires that we make corresponding adjustments in attitude, thought and behaviour.
Readjusting to home life and work life is a process, not an event. As the service member reintegrates into their family, work and social environments, it makes sense to allow oneself and others appropriate time and space. In doing so, you will probably find that in a few weeks everything is back to a comfortable pattern again. If however, after 6 weeks you are still consistently feeling sad, having marital difficulty, difficulty in concentration, using alcohol excessively or are experiencing any other form of significant discomfort, please seek assistance.
References
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Facts for Families: Families in the Military. March 2004.
Central Saskatchewan Military Family Resource Centre Inc. (CSMFRC). Deployment Support Manual. August 2006.
Director Military Family Services. The Family Handbook. Fourth Edition, April 2006.
Winnipeg Military Family Resource Centre. The Emotional Cycle of Deployment Handout.